This and that

"You're a prime candidate for another bout of pancreatitis - all the symptoms are back and you are drinking just as much. Your blood tests are bad and show your pancreas is under stress. You really need to go back into hospital for 3 or 4 days days to at the least break the physical addiction."

Who are they kidding?

Been there. 6 times now. Can recite them hymn and verse the withdrawal symptoms. The shakes, sweating, vomiting, paranoia, suicidal thoughts ... for what purpose? To feel 'hopeful' for 24 hours? 48 maybe? I managed 8 weeks alcohol-free courtesy of a gall bladder and major surgery/hospitalisation being involved.

BIG DEAL. What is it supposed to mean when all that happened was that I slid rapidly back into the oozing calm of addiction despite the best of intentions, resistance and avoidance mechanisms?

FUCK OFF is what I say to that.

FUCK. OFF.

Took the proffered prescription for Valium (haven't even bothering filling it) and promised him I would see him next Monday; tried not to smile at my gaffe of saying "Valium is addictive isn't it?" when he responded "Err, yes, but so is alcohol!"

Dave pulled me up this evening - he is the only one locally who knows something of the truth - to ask if I would be going to AA.

Have never been (apart from once in Sydney and that was so horrific I swore I would never go back). I never plan on going either. It's the reason I have also stopped going to see the guy at the Drug and Alcohol Clinic in Muswellbrook. I promised him I would turn up some weeks back. A moment of optimistic - desperate? - delusion. Who was I kidding?

I felt bad fobbing off Dave. He's a lovely guy. But I can't stand groups; people; truth. I'd rather cut myself with a thousand razor blades.

Safer to sit here in inebriated - well maybe just 'peaceful' - bliss.

Oh the weakness of a habit. The false truths. The bullshit. The dependency.

The blackout immerses after 700+ mls of the stuff. The RBT unit is now in place - in the house no less - to ensure I am ok to drive at 7.30am ...

Fuck the world.